Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
