All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
