I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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