I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
