Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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