I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
