You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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