apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
