if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
