Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
