we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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