??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
