Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
