I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
