So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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