Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
