America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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