Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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