And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize