All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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