boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
