I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
