We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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