420 ftw
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
