you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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