im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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