Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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