The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
