I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
