I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
