I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
