I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
