You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize