I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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