Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
