Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
