Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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