He asked to "fluff my boner.."
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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