Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
