Banned from zoo.
Again?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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