he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
