seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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