Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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