If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
