I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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