Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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