i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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