You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
