Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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