Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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