I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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