He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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