My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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